Friday, 25 October 2013

Learning what's real , what's just bad experience and what's feels right !

Of all the places for me to have a thinking spree . Today it was the turn of the exercise mat .

 I've found lately or felt like I've speant a lot of time on my corner of the sofa .  Probably no more than normal and the majority of the time I'm sitting I'm knitting or sewing .

But in winter I always get the body blues . That really isn't what I was going to wrote about but explains how I ended up on my exercise mat in my 3 child free hours this week.

Maybe the exercise mat reminds me of this time last year when I felt the only way to have any control was to control my body . If I could lose all that baby weight and co ft weight . If I could go though the pain of pushing you body to your limits. I wouldn't have to deal with the fact other things hurt .
 That those hours of sleep I so des partly needed weren't coming . Those answers today I really wanted and needed couldn't be found . Maybe if I became the size I was before my daughter was born maybe I could recreate the situation where I would feel wanted again .

This time last year I went searching I went searching for something I'd lost .
 I wanted that someone who made me feel ,I've someone remembered I was here everyday.

I didn't need a father for my daughter.  I wanted what I had lost before things went wrong . I wanted someone to text me everyday , just because they wanted to hear from me . I wanted someone who wanted to spend my child free time with . I wanted to feel 23 again .  I wanted to crack open that evening dress those high heels and see the outside world past 6 pm again .  But without causing and leaving any damage to me and more importantly my daughter .

I found that someone it was great for a while . It was what I needed . It helped me though those early days of leaving my daughter . It taught me that I had done nothing wrong . It taught me that I was attractive . It taught me that I didn't need to change . It gave me confidence  and it made me feel me again .

Yes when it needed I cried , I was sad . But that last 1 hour of a glass of wine with a friend .

I became more accepting of my situation . I know in my hear too hearts that I'm lucky because I have the chance to love and be loved agin .
I also know I'm lucky I'm only 24.  I'm not sad and I'm not searching . I'm accepting and learning what I want .

Now I have what I wanted , I have that person who cares . I can't tell you that it will go anywhere , I can't tell you it will last . I can't tell you I won't get hurt .

I can tell you that I'm a strong lady in my own right , I don't need a man . But I'm honest with you , I would love to feel loved my someone again and I would love to love someone again .

I am scared , I am realistic  and I'm honest to the point of self distraction . Because the last year has taught me be yourself , when your scared admit it to yourself .
When you wanna cry , cry !

When you wanna run , find that thing that will realise that frustration .

When you feel unwanted and alone . Look around . Look out your window there's every chance in the world for you . Go out and get it !!

People will never be in the same situation as you , never at the same time but it dosent mean you aren't understood or wanted by them .

Now this honest post comes from the fact that I had a moment of doubt on my exercise mat .  That something I wanted hasn't texted today .  If you had caught me a year  ago I would have told you it's because they had forgot I existed or had found someone better .

Today I tell you there busy with their on goings and that text will come .

It's a lesson I've learnt on my rollercoster and it feels good to write it down and let go !!

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