Sunday, 3 November 2013
Saturday, 2 November 2013
Feeling low .
Today I feel low . I feel lonely and I'm tired .
Weekends are hard as I have previously wrote about .
We have had a busy week , full of friends and family . Laughs and smiles . We truly are blessed.
But today I feel low , I feel alone . I feel guilty because my daughter Is with me , I should be doing exciting things with her . We have been out the house to the library and a nearly new sake , we have seen friends and nana . But I still feel guilty , I feel guilty that I haven't got the energy to do te same puzzles over and over . I feel guilty I haven't got the energy to take her to the park , when in my heart I know sh dosent want to go anyway she tired .
I feel guilty te telly has been on all afternoon and I haven't been reading books or painting with her instead .
I think I feel guilty because this low comes from wanting things I can't have or I have to wait for . Or maybe it comes from being happy and that scares me . Or maybe I'm scared because he next step is a big one and I don't want to get it wrong .
Maybe I feel guilty because I remember my childhood of always having my mum and dad there whenever I needed and my daughter dosent have that. I know deep in my heart that's not my fault , but I still feel guilty.
Maybe because the last time I started a new realonships was with my daughters dad and then I didn't have anyone else to consider when it came to If it ended .
Now I feel guilty for even wanting or pursing a new realonship. What if I hurt her without knowing it , wil she forgive me , how much does a two year old understand what if he is here on day and not another . What if I become one of them parents who allows loads of people in my daughter life without knowing it .
What if ?!
Ill be ok I know it , this is just a low day . It's almost bedtime and I can start a new tommorow . I hope I gav more thatpn 5 hours sleep tonight :-)!
Weekends are hard as I have previously wrote about .
We have had a busy week , full of friends and family . Laughs and smiles . We truly are blessed.
But today I feel low , I feel alone . I feel guilty because my daughter Is with me , I should be doing exciting things with her . We have been out the house to the library and a nearly new sake , we have seen friends and nana . But I still feel guilty , I feel guilty that I haven't got the energy to do te same puzzles over and over . I feel guilty I haven't got the energy to take her to the park , when in my heart I know sh dosent want to go anyway she tired .
I feel guilty te telly has been on all afternoon and I haven't been reading books or painting with her instead .
I think I feel guilty because this low comes from wanting things I can't have or I have to wait for . Or maybe it comes from being happy and that scares me . Or maybe I'm scared because he next step is a big one and I don't want to get it wrong .
Maybe I feel guilty because I remember my childhood of always having my mum and dad there whenever I needed and my daughter dosent have that. I know deep in my heart that's not my fault , but I still feel guilty.
Maybe because the last time I started a new realonships was with my daughters dad and then I didn't have anyone else to consider when it came to If it ended .
Now I feel guilty for even wanting or pursing a new realonship. What if I hurt her without knowing it , wil she forgive me , how much does a two year old understand what if he is here on day and not another . What if I become one of them parents who allows loads of people in my daughter life without knowing it .
What if ?!
Ill be ok I know it , this is just a low day . It's almost bedtime and I can start a new tommorow . I hope I gav more thatpn 5 hours sleep tonight :-)!
Friday, 1 November 2013
Sainsbury's toy sale , thanks !
You may think m crazy for giving my two year old beads and hair ties !
I sometimes think I'm a little bit crazy .
We were at sainsburys toy sale , I saw these horses 3 for £2.49 . My little girl isn't that interested in toys more books and puzzles . So I thought it might be a great addition and something she could do with her older cousin too .
She loved them brought them in the shop by proudly handing money to cashier . Once home she played for over and hour with them . Mummy helped thread the beads and tie the the bands .
And for the first time when I asked themselves name she didn't just say horse or blue horse . She used her imangation and came up with a name I couldn't possibly spell .
Goes to show those simply , cheap toys can bring hours of entreat meant . I loved playing with them as much as her too :-).
Thursday, 31 October 2013
Getting ready for winter making bird seed cakes :-)
I've wanted to make cakes for the birds for ages . So decided it would be a great activity to do with little miss !
With the bird seed costing 99p and the lard 28 p it was a fantastic cheap activity to do . With lots left over to do again !
With the bird seed costing 99p and the lard 28 p it was a fantastic cheap activity to do . With lots left over to do again !
Keeping warm , trying not to use the heating !!
We don't have central heating in our flat , we have expensive electric heating . So I am trying not to switch it on till we really need too !
So just a few items we have are :
So just a few items we have are :
- Fleece Pjs , onesies for little miss !
- Extra thick socks
- Dressing gowns
- Rugs on the floors
- Draught excluders
- Lined curtains
- Lots of blankets for our beds
- Matters toppers designed to keep you cool in summer and warm in winter
- And hot water bottles ! One for the sofa , one for mummy's bed and a wheat filled owl for little miss !
I know we will have to put the heating on at some point and I would never let my little miss get cold , just to save a few penny's !
But if the winter of 2012/2013 is anything to go by it will set in cold and stay that way a long time . So I don't want to get use to something that quite simply we can't afford to have on the all the time !
We also try to get out and use places like the library which are warm and cozy !
Saturday, 26 October 2013
Small achievements : puzzles
I went bargain hunting and found n orchard toys big aeroplane puzzle for little miss . She loves puzzles and I'm always on the luck out for new ones to spice things up a bit .
She started work with nana . Now nana made her work hard she would tell her what colours and shapes/objects were on the next piece . Little miss had to find them !
I was worried she would lose patience or wouldn't be able to do it !
I was amazed nana made her work hard and she did it !
Yes being two she did dance around get distracted but she did it !!
Well done little girl !
Friday, 25 October 2013
Learning what's real , what's just bad experience and what's feels right !
Of all the places for me to have a thinking spree . Today it was the turn of the exercise mat .
I've found lately or felt like I've speant a lot of time on my corner of the sofa . Probably no more than normal and the majority of the time I'm sitting I'm knitting or sewing .
But in winter I always get the body blues . That really isn't what I was going to wrote about but explains how I ended up on my exercise mat in my 3 child free hours this week.
Maybe the exercise mat reminds me of this time last year when I felt the only way to have any control was to control my body . If I could lose all that baby weight and co ft weight . If I could go though the pain of pushing you body to your limits. I wouldn't have to deal with the fact other things hurt .
That those hours of sleep I so des partly needed weren't coming . Those answers today I really wanted and needed couldn't be found . Maybe if I became the size I was before my daughter was born maybe I could recreate the situation where I would feel wanted again .
This time last year I went searching I went searching for something I'd lost .
I wanted that someone who made me feel ,I've someone remembered I was here everyday.
I didn't need a father for my daughter. I wanted what I had lost before things went wrong . I wanted someone to text me everyday , just because they wanted to hear from me . I wanted someone who wanted to spend my child free time with . I wanted to feel 23 again . I wanted to crack open that evening dress those high heels and see the outside world past 6 pm again . But without causing and leaving any damage to me and more importantly my daughter .
I found that someone it was great for a while . It was what I needed . It helped me though those early days of leaving my daughter . It taught me that I had done nothing wrong . It taught me that I was attractive . It taught me that I didn't need to change . It gave me confidence and it made me feel me again .
Yes when it needed I cried , I was sad . But that last 1 hour of a glass of wine with a friend .
I became more accepting of my situation . I know in my hear too hearts that I'm lucky because I have the chance to love and be loved agin .
I also know I'm lucky I'm only 24. I'm not sad and I'm not searching . I'm accepting and learning what I want .
Now I have what I wanted , I have that person who cares . I can't tell you that it will go anywhere , I can't tell you it will last . I can't tell you I won't get hurt .
I can tell you that I'm a strong lady in my own right , I don't need a man . But I'm honest with you , I would love to feel loved my someone again and I would love to love someone again .
I am scared , I am realistic and I'm honest to the point of self distraction . Because the last year has taught me be yourself , when your scared admit it to yourself .
When you wanna cry , cry !
When you wanna run , find that thing that will realise that frustration .
When you feel unwanted and alone . Look around . Look out your window there's every chance in the world for you . Go out and get it !!
People will never be in the same situation as you , never at the same time but it dosent mean you aren't understood or wanted by them .
Now this honest post comes from the fact that I had a moment of doubt on my exercise mat . That something I wanted hasn't texted today . If you had caught me a year ago I would have told you it's because they had forgot I existed or had found someone better .
Today I tell you there busy with their on goings and that text will come .
It's a lesson I've learnt on my rollercoster and it feels good to write it down and let go !!
I've found lately or felt like I've speant a lot of time on my corner of the sofa . Probably no more than normal and the majority of the time I'm sitting I'm knitting or sewing .
But in winter I always get the body blues . That really isn't what I was going to wrote about but explains how I ended up on my exercise mat in my 3 child free hours this week.
Maybe the exercise mat reminds me of this time last year when I felt the only way to have any control was to control my body . If I could lose all that baby weight and co ft weight . If I could go though the pain of pushing you body to your limits. I wouldn't have to deal with the fact other things hurt .
That those hours of sleep I so des partly needed weren't coming . Those answers today I really wanted and needed couldn't be found . Maybe if I became the size I was before my daughter was born maybe I could recreate the situation where I would feel wanted again .
This time last year I went searching I went searching for something I'd lost .
I wanted that someone who made me feel ,I've someone remembered I was here everyday.
I didn't need a father for my daughter. I wanted what I had lost before things went wrong . I wanted someone to text me everyday , just because they wanted to hear from me . I wanted someone who wanted to spend my child free time with . I wanted to feel 23 again . I wanted to crack open that evening dress those high heels and see the outside world past 6 pm again . But without causing and leaving any damage to me and more importantly my daughter .
I found that someone it was great for a while . It was what I needed . It helped me though those early days of leaving my daughter . It taught me that I had done nothing wrong . It taught me that I was attractive . It taught me that I didn't need to change . It gave me confidence and it made me feel me again .
Yes when it needed I cried , I was sad . But that last 1 hour of a glass of wine with a friend .
I became more accepting of my situation . I know in my hear too hearts that I'm lucky because I have the chance to love and be loved agin .
I also know I'm lucky I'm only 24. I'm not sad and I'm not searching . I'm accepting and learning what I want .
Now I have what I wanted , I have that person who cares . I can't tell you that it will go anywhere , I can't tell you it will last . I can't tell you I won't get hurt .
I can tell you that I'm a strong lady in my own right , I don't need a man . But I'm honest with you , I would love to feel loved my someone again and I would love to love someone again .
I am scared , I am realistic and I'm honest to the point of self distraction . Because the last year has taught me be yourself , when your scared admit it to yourself .
When you wanna cry , cry !
When you wanna run , find that thing that will realise that frustration .
When you feel unwanted and alone . Look around . Look out your window there's every chance in the world for you . Go out and get it !!
People will never be in the same situation as you , never at the same time but it dosent mean you aren't understood or wanted by them .
Now this honest post comes from the fact that I had a moment of doubt on my exercise mat . That something I wanted hasn't texted today . If you had caught me a year ago I would have told you it's because they had forgot I existed or had found someone better .
Today I tell you there busy with their on goings and that text will come .
It's a lesson I've learnt on my rollercoster and it feels good to write it down and let go !!
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