Saturday 2 November 2013

Feeling low .

Today I feel low . I feel lonely and I'm tired .

Weekends are hard as I have previously wrote about .

We have had a busy week , full of friends and family . Laughs and smiles . We truly are blessed.

But today I feel low , I feel alone . I feel guilty because my daughter Is with me , I should be doing exciting things with her . We have been out the house to the library and a nearly new sake , we have seen friends and nana . But I still feel guilty , I feel guilty that I haven't got the energy to do te same puzzles over and over . I feel guilty I haven't got the energy to take her to the park , when in my heart I know sh dosent want to go anyway she tired .
 I feel guilty te telly has been on all afternoon and I haven't been reading books or painting with her instead .

I think I feel guilty because this low comes from wanting things I can't have or I have to wait for . Or maybe it comes from being happy and that scares me .  Or maybe I'm scared because he next step is a big one and I don't want to get it wrong .

Maybe I feel guilty because I remember my childhood of always having my mum and dad there whenever I needed and my daughter dosent have that. I know deep in my heart that's not my fault , but I still feel guilty.

Maybe because the last time I started a new realonships was with my daughters dad and then I didn't have anyone else to consider when it came to If it ended .

Now I feel guilty for even wanting or pursing a new realonship. What if I hurt her without knowing it , wil she forgive me , how much does a two year old understand what if he is here on day and not another . What if I become one of them parents who allows loads of people in my daughter life without knowing it .

What if ?!

Ill be ok I know it , this is just a low day . It's almost bedtime and I can start a new tommorow . I hope I gav more thatpn 5 hours sleep tonight :-)!

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